Monday, July 16, 2007
why do i in this family...i feel this home is what i loved and yet i dun feel any happiness from it. not a single person in my family is happy. mum and dad shouldnt have married in first place, we shouldnt be born.
I am not what i was used to be. Confidence and happy has long left me for years(6? maybe 7?) I feel weak. my sis is right,i cant protect her.Why am i a Cancer.Cancer dun like to put on fights. i think thats the start of the point where i lost my confidence. Dad and mum fight, and i cant protect my sis and mum from the violence. why am i a boy. As a boy i cant do any shit. i know i am a problematic child. hiding from my problems in cyber games. cant help being a geek. My sis feels like killing herself,while my younger sis fears of getting killed.
I feel like killing myself.But as the only guy in the house who is clear in mind, i cant. Logic and my sense of righteousness does not allow me to do that. Still have to be strong and be an example for my sisters not to do anything silly.Still have to be okay so my mum has less 1 person to worry abt. Dun ask me why i no confidence.Dun ask me why i keep failing. Dun ask me why i always cant express my love for the girl i like(even if i did, its either too late or useless).
I need my brothers.alvin, yx, anson where are u. where are all those best friends i can tell my sadness. F****, i know its nt got to do with u, but how i wished u are here for me.its not going to be possible, but hopes dont cost me a cent, why not hope.Will u ever read this, i wonder? I feel incomplete, losing more and more parts of me as time passes. My confidence left me, my happiness has gone halfway, and love from me is dying.
I'm not making much sense here i know, never been a good sense talker.not in this state, not in the present. maybe in the past. I was smart in the past and i feel smart. Since sec2/3, that feeling is long gone. i feel dumb everyday and i cant help to act like a dumb, even when i know i arent one. Life feels so tiring for me.when can i rest? 50 years? i cant tahan this long but i have to make my siblings believe that what they(and myself) thought of doing is foolish.will i live to see another day? i hope i can juz die of gas poisoning. or maybe carbon dioxide when i go to sleep later.
Labels: Die Another Day.
say...愚者百物语
